On Forgiveness


January 15 was the birthday of someone I haven’t spoken to in over two years, and not spoken civilly to in about 9. I’ve been thinking a lot of forgiveness lately. Someone’s said recently that forgiveness isn’t acceptance, it is giving up the hope that the past could be different. I don’t know if the person who said that is correct, but I like that idea. I can never accept the behavior of this birthday person, but I’ve long since given up hope that she’d ever change. For years I’ve held onto old text messages of this person although she’s been blocked since 2012. Why? Was I keeping it as evidence of her horrible behavior? Proof that I was justified in cutting her from my life? Yeah, probably. As I deleted the old reminder from my phone calendar, I assured myself, I don’t need proof or justification, I know what I know. I also know that I need to clear up space on my phone and my mind and my soul. So, I deleted her old texts and private messages. It was hard to do as those awful messages had served as a weirdly sick security blanket for my … for my what? That’s my birthday gift to her… removal of the evidence of her bad behavior. The gift to myself… throwing out the ashes of a cremated relationship. If that’s forgiveness, it works for me.

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