A Year Ago…


A year ago, I never saw sunrises like this.

A year ago, on November 17, 2018, my dear friend David Gray died. I was still heavily mourning the death of my mother four months earlier, a loss so devastating I felt I hadn’t taken a breath since she took her last. I was still in mourning for my beloved heartdog Housemate Sean. Losing David just took my pain deeper.

A year ago, I dreaded going to work every day to the point of physical illness. In reality, the job wasn’t really so terrible (another person would be grateful to have it), but it was a bad fit for me. It was like wearing shoes that are too tight. I was simply miserable. I could do the job, and do it well, but I hated every minute of it. I hit the snooze button multiple times each morning until I had just enough minutes left to get ready and make it to work on time(ish).  

A year ago, I stepped on the scale every morning and let that number set the mood for the day. If it was up, self loathing was my breakfast. If it was down, I gave myself a pat on the back and a fruit smoothie.

A year ago, I slept late on weekends because I was mentally fatigued, emotionally drained, and physically exhausted. Besides, that’s what weekends are for, right?

A year ago, I medicated my pain with alcohol. I navigated through a constant fog, while keeping my promises, doing my duty, maintaining outward appearances. I was just getting though each day. One day at a time, sweet Jesus, as the song goes. 

Today, looking back on the me of a year ago, I barely recognize her.  

Today, while not a day goes by that I don’t mourn my mother, I am able to remember her and David, Sean, and others I have lost recently with fond memories more often than with tears.

Today, I no longer numb emotional pain with alcohol. I sit with it, acknowledge it, give it the respect it deserves, then move out of it. The added bonus is a clearer mind, deeper sleep, and better skin.

Today, I no longer sleep my mornings away. I embrace them as the best part of the day, when the chores and tasks and the business of life have not smothered out my creativity.

Today, I welcome the sunrise with daily walks with my dogs, which has brought us closer and made us healthier.

Today, I do not consult the scale for my daily mood assignment, but the fit of my clothing, reduced joint pain, and increased energy level confirm to me that the combination of better food choices, no alcohol and the exercise are changing my body for the better. The number doesn’t matter, so there is no reason to consult the scale at all. It gathers dust in the closet.

Today, I go to a job I am better suited for, and which challenges my creativity. The people I work with are encouraging, supportive and lovely. We are teammates, not competitors.  Because of this, my weekends are not spent dreading Monday, but are reserved for connections with my number one, family, friends, the dogs and myself. But I also know, this job is not my end game. My end game is so much more.

Today, I have a life filled with creativity, confidence and a vision of the future so bright it sometimes brings me to joyful tears.

Today, when I look back on myself a year ago, I barely recognize that woman. Two years ago, five years, ten years… I am definitely not the same.

Today, I have more in common with my 10 year old self. Like her, I am creative, physically active, and sober. I am going to school, writing stories, and I am full of hopes and dreams that I have every intention of achieving.

It only took 45 years to get back to me. I intend on wasting no more time. 

A year ago, I never saw sunrises like this. But I saw it today.

03 comments on “A Year Ago…

  • susan ballard , Direct link to comment

    May we all continue to find our joy in the sunrise. Love you !

  • Laura , Direct link to comment

    Holy heck what an inspiration. You are what I aspire to. Thank you for sharing ❤️

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