On My Heart (A Series)… The Depression Monster

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They said he would show up, about this time in the process, and he has.

Sunshine would probably help tremendously, but it has been chilly and windy here. I have been cautioned against being out in cold wind. I tried it once, it was hard to breathe. I am concerned about returning to work because of the cold wind issue. My return will likely be early November after I see my surgeon in late October. My parking spot at work is covered, but it is also a good walk to the building uncovered. I hate to be high maintenance. To me, high maintenance is one of the worst things to be. A person ought to pull her own weight – at least this person ought to.

Boredom attracts the Depression Monster, I think. There is very little variety in my day. Maybe I’ll use the hallway bathroom the next time I need to go. I could wear the bright yellow hospital socks today instead of the grey ones. Whoo hoo, change it up, girl!

This morning, I was sitting in my kitchen and noticed the bouquet of flowers I had picked a few days ago. It contains zinnias, cosmos, and Indian blankets (Oklahoma’s state wildflower). The Indian blankets were different, they varied in how much yellow they contained. One contained no yellow at all. Hmmmm. A real mystery. Has my heightened need for variety created this different in my mind? Later, I went out briefly to examine the Indian blankets growing near the house. They were all different, too. Go figure. Delightful.

Ok, that was pretty much it for interesting things today.

I’m so tired. My blood pressure is about 90/60 and have been told to stop taking the blood pressure medicine until it comes up. That’s good because I think it causes this little tickling cough I have. Or, maybe I caught COVID from someone at the play Sunday night. It could be ragweed. Could be I am slowly dying because my home health nurse seems to make things up on fly – take the warfarin, don’t take the warfarin, maybe take half the warfarin.

I worry about the war in Israel. Worry is draining.

I wanted to clean house today after lunch, but I took a two hour nap instead. It wasn’t intentional, so I probably needed it. I dreamed that Dr. P came to visit me. He sat on the front porch and asked me how things were going.

“Not good,” I said

“What isn’t good? How can I help?”

“Well, I would like all the things that are going on right now to stop, and all the things that aren’t going on right now to start.”

“That” he said with his signature smile, “is above my pay grade.”

My next and last college course at Oklahoma City Community College starts this week. I should be excited about it, as it will give me something to think about beside myself. But, I can’t even remember why I took “American Government” as my final class. I cannot get excited about American Government. My prior class, “American History (pre-1877),” while interesting and informative, made me realize just how awful our American Government has been.

I am cooking 90% of our meals, Charles cleans up. This makes me feel like I’m contributing. I feel like I need to contribute.

He works all day in our home office. I get to hear his phone conversations. I’ve started an active dislike of one of his coworkers. Nothing is ever her fault and she likes the pull the “female among men” card. I give him nasty things to say to her, which he never does. He’s a professional.

Tomorrow is supposed to be less windy and a little warmer. I hope I can get outside in the sun and fresh air. The Depression Monster doesn’t like fresh air and sunshine. I need to show Charles where to plant those roses and blueberries. Maybe I can stand in the garden and pick a few tomatoes from the few vines that are still producing. Watching the butterflies migrate through always gives me a lift.

Anything but another day of sitting in this recliner.