The Cozumel sky is this blue; the Cozumel water ALSO is this blue.
To follow-up on the last blog post – On What Is – I went to my medical appointment on Monday. It was a last-minute work-in, so my wait was two hours. During that time just sitting, my foot fell asleep. When they finally called me back, I should have waited a minute until the foot woke up, but I didn’t. I was anxious to be done with it and get back to work. Because I could not feel my foot, I placed it wrong, fell forward and felt a snap just below the ankle. The technician stopped me from falling, but I needed a wheelchair to get back to my procedure.
The procedure – a thoracentesis – involved a tube inserted into my back and almost a liter and a half of fluid pulled from around my left lung. While the process is taxing and fairly horrendous, it felt wonderful to get a good deep breath again. It has been a couple of months since I was able to do that. I limped to my car, dismissing the fleeting thought that a normal person would have gotten an x-ray on the foot since I was actually at the hospital. I drove back to work, delighted that not only could I breathe fully, but my cough was gone as well.
I was glad to get the procedure done, because Charles and I were leaving Friday for Cozumel. I knew I couldn’t enjoy the trip carrying around all that fluid and coughing constantly. As the day wore on, the pain in my foot abated. It was swelling and turning blue before my eyes, but the pain was nothing more than like that of a bruise. I was sure it would be fine, or fine enough, by Friday.
The next day I was due to meet my new primary care provider after the retirement of my prior PCP. To my relief, I really like her. She listened to me, and we shared some life experiences. She said I reminded her of her best friend in the way I view life. During her examination she noticed the blue foot. She suggested I get an x-ray since she just happened to have a machine down the hall. Turns out, there is a fracture just below the ankle. The next day, the foot doctor confirmed the fracture but said there was nothing to be done but wear a more supportive shoe than the slip-ons I was wearing. Are flipflops supportive?
We arrived in Cozumel around 2:00 p.m., Friday. It was a pleasant day of travel. No coughing, no having to stop every few feet to catch my breath, and I was able to carry my own bags. More than anything, I detest being a burden on others. I was glad to be a self-sufficient traveler.
After our arrival at the hotel, there was an extremely stressful situation when I discovered my carryon (containing laptops and passports) had been left on the shuttle, but it was resolved quickly. Then I noticed one of my diamonds had fallen out of my engagement ring; a potentially soul-crushing experience for another couple but we both acknowledged it both sucked and was fixable. It is possible for two things to be true at once.
Then, as we were unpacking, I got a call from my cardiologist’s nurse. The recent test results and notes from my pulmonologist confirmed that my lungs are fine. The pulmonologist is an arrogant ass, but apparently also correct in his diagnosis. Again, two things are possible at the same time.
The nurse said the ECG results and the fluid buildup were concerning from a heart perspective, so she was calling to schedule a procedure quickly – this Monday. I told her I had just landed in Cozumel and would not be back by then. She reluctantly agreed to schedule it for the Monday after our return.
I started into a mental and emotional tailspin. What if I am dying? What if I die right here in Cozumel? What if I don’t get my book written? What if the dying process is awful and I fail at a graceful transition.
Then I stopped myself. “What is actually true?” I asked.
What is actually true is that my lungs are fine. They are clear of masses and scar tissue. There is no fibrosis, no evidence of asthma or COPD. I can toss the inhalers out. I can be grateful for healthy lungs.
Also true is that I’ve had two thoracenteses done in the last several months and the fluid continues to return along with the cough. Even today, only six days post procedure, the fluid and cough are slowly returning.
True: I’ve been short of breath and often unable to complete simple tasks without stopping to rest.
True: I’ve been thinking about retiring, with Charles’ encouragement, because I don’t want to die at my desk.
True are the ECG results, and my cardiologist is concerned there may be a problem with my heart. I don’t know anything after that. While true the tests and my symptoms validate my cardiologist’s concerns, we don’t know anything for certain.
Then I asked myself what I would like to be true. I know I am tired of not knowing. I know I am tired of coughing and not being able to do the things that bring me joy without losing my air. I know I am tired of being tired. But, instead of all the negative “what Ifs” I could think about, I have decided to behave as if I can have whatever I want. “What ifs” aren’t required to be negative, after all.
So, this is what will happen. During my procedure next Monday, the cardiologist will find the reason for my symptoms. He will be able to fix it and that will be that.
Afterward, I will go on to live a healthy happy life for as long as my Creator has planned for me. I will retire not because I don’t want to die at my desk, but because Charles always has my back and we want to enjoy a final third of our lives doing exactly what we want to do; live at Sugarberry Slope, take care of the little piece of planet we have been blessed with and teach others to do the same, grow native flowers and healthy food, harvest honey, raise chickens, scratch dog bellies, explore the world, watch grandkids grow up and then witness our kids have grandchildren, all the while holding each other’s hand until we are called away – which I’ve decided is about 40 years from now. During that time, I will write that book.
I am currently experiencing health concerns, but I am also a very healthy person. Again, two things that are true at the same time. I don’t control much in this world. It is true that my life expectancy is unknown and not mine to control, but it is also true that how I live whatever time is mine is up to me.
Living to a healthy 100 seems reasonable to me; after that, I think it’s just showing off.
